Dad died on April 12 of this year. He and Mom were at home with friends enjoying conversation along with coffee and macaroons at their dining room table…one of Dad’s favorite activities ever. All four were having a lively chat about the state of the world, another of Dad’s favorite activities, although now compromised by his aphasia. I’m told that he became quiet for a handful of minutes before one of his guests noticed that his eyes had closed. As Mom and the other guest became aware of his stillness, Dad put his head back, “coughed”, and was gone. I can only wish such a peaceful transition for the rest of us. Dad squeezed every last ounce of living out of his life, which came to a close with the sweetness of companionship, conversation, and cake on his lips. Namaste, Dad. I love you always and forever.
Now we enter Mom’s transition. She did not expect to grieve, believing that she had already dealt with her loss when “the husband [she] wanted left” at the time of Dad’s stroke. Unfortunately, her lack of emotional preparation is making this passage into early widowhood an extreme challenge for her. She has chosen to cling to one of her children but to cut off other ones. It will take time and careful treading to help her regain her equalibrium and to assist her in making her own transition without lashing out for the abandonment that she is now feeling at her life-long partner’s departure.
The duality of the peaceful death of one parent and the severe, nearly debilitating grief of the other is hard. While Dad’s death was expected and the gentleness surrounding it is a blessing, Mom’s extreme pain and vulnerability came on without warning. Or may I say, without her anticipating it. Now the challenge is to help her to open up her wounded heart to allow in the love and support that are waiting only for her nod of acceptance.
