I’m doing fine

I’ve been “missing in action” for a while.  Everything’s okay…even great in some ways.  It’s been a busy few months, and my head has been  elsewhere.

I visited Mom and Dad in December, and it was a wonderful reunion.  Dad has lost a lot of weight (that’s a good thing), but he does look old to me now.  His aphasia still makes his speech hard to understand, so it takes some time and effort to catch what he’s trying to say.  The payoff is generally terrific…the mind is still sharp, that’s for sure.

This was the first time I visited since Dad came home from rehab and the nursing home.  He and Mom have their routine all worked out.  There are now wheelchair ramps at all the relevant doors, and several rugs had to be removed to allow Dad to get around in the house in his chair or on his walker.  The man is tough…and strong of body, mind, and spirit!  What a treat to go to the theatre with them and out to eat.  Life is different, but they’re living it to the fullest.  Reminder to self: Don’t worry so much.  They’re on top of things.

It takes just a moment to show your parents you care!

I took a few minutes this afternoon to call Mom and Dad to see how they were doing.  The in-home healthcare aide had just gone home, and Mom was fixing dinner.  Mom put Dad on the phone, and he sounded GREAT! 

It’s been over six months now since Dad’s stoke, and he’s still doing daily physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy.  But now both of my parents are encouraged by Dad’s progress.  “He’s walking more.” Mom told me.  “We’re dressing himself.” Dad said.  His pronouns are still a mess, but his thoughts seem to be clear, and he feels much more confident in expressing them.

Dad and I talked about the gift that his stroke is.  You see, along with all of the suffering that he and those of us who love him are experiencing, there is also a wonderful lesson in gratitude.  No longer can I take for granted my ability to hop out of bed in the morning, to dress myself, to throw open the curtains to another sunny day.  Each of these acts is a miracle. 

“That’s lovely!” Dad told me when I shared this thought with him.

We signed off with a big “Shabbat shalom (Peaceful Sabbath)” as we do most Fridays.

WHY BOTHER Caring for our Elders?

With the Jewish High Holy Days and the Muslim month of Ramadan overlapping for the second time in two years, this year seems particularly auspicious for reflecting on the question of Baby Boomers’ responsibility to provide health and other care for our aging or ailing parents.  

Why should we care for our parents or other elders?  Didn’t they raise us so that we could go out into the world as independent adults to fend for ourselves and to raise the next generation?  Isn’t Elder Care a process of looking back rather than of moving forward? 

Oh, no, no, no…from every fiber of my Jewish soul, I must say, “NO”.  I know that many (perhaps most) of you are not Jewish, so let me just say briefly, that many of my spiritual and philosophical views do emerge from my Jewish heritage and upbringing.  I hope that my heart-songs (thank you Mattie Stepanek for this wonderful word!) can help you to strengthen yours. 

Caring for, or arranging care for, our parents, aunts, uncles, and other aging loved ones is our duty.  The fifth commandment says, “Honor your father and your mother.”  There is no codicil that emends the commandment with stipulations such as “if you feel like it” or “if you love them”, or “if it suits your needs”.  No, the commandment is quite simple and direct. 

What does that imply?  The implications range from the obvious to the obscure.   

Obvious: Our parents cared for us when we needed care.  Now it’s our turn. 

Obvious: (As Mom and Dad often explained to me about all sorts of orders) Do it, because I said so. 

Obvious: What goes around, comes around.  Do you want someone to care for you when you are elderly or ailing?  Put some credit in that bank. 

Obscure: Human nature is not as benevolent as we might wish to think.  We all need a “kick in the pants” from time to time, and the ancients recognized this.  So “Honor your father and your mother.” made it into the Top Ten list of Thou Shalts. 

So whether or not this is your time of year for soul reflections, I hope that you’ll take a moment to think about what honoring your parents means to you…and to them. 

Dad’s first post-stroke home: Assisted living, in-home care, or a nursing home?

Now that Dad is home from stroke rehab again, I’ve had the luxury of reflecting on the early days following his stroke, when my siblings, my mom, and I had to decide where he would go when he no longer needed to be hospitalized.  For the time being, that chapter in our lives is past, and thankfully so, but there were family moments and healthcare decisions that I would like to share.

As Dad recovered from his initial stroke, the hospital charge nurse gave us a list of local nursing homes.  Where Dad would go would be largely a matter of which facility had a bed available when he was ready to be moved.  But we wanted at least to have veto power so that he wouldn’t end up in the “badlands” of the healthcare system.

Dad’s stroke left him with a physical disablity, aphasia, and what is probably a mild dementia.  It was clear that, at least initially, he would need more than in-home nursing care or assisted living could provide.  He would need nursing home care and concentrated rehabilitation.

Mom and I visited a handful of local nursing homes.  The first decision we made was that Dad would stay within their small town so that Mom would be able to visit him regularly and easily.  It was easy from there to rule out the first two places we saw.  They smelled bad, we were ignored when we walked in, and the staff seemed too busy to attend to the droolinig, agitated, and vacant-eyed residents whose wheelchairs lined the halls.

Two places made our “not awful” list.  The staff smiled and talked with the residents.  The facilities were clean.  The meals in the dining room looked tasty.  Residents were allowed to move about.  The residents’ rooms and rehab facilities were cheerful.  We were greeted warmly, and our questions were fully answered without making us feel as if we were getting a sales pitch.

With Dad’s aphasia, his communication needs were important to us.  The nursing home we finally selected had a therapist who spoke German, Dad’s native language.  Although Dad’s aphasia affected his ability to speak in ANY language, he clearly enjoyed hearing Julian speak to him in his childhood tongue. 

That small, serendipitous “find” made Dad’s first nursing home placement choice clear, and we all felt that he was in good hands for his next step towards stroke recovery.

Aging Dad…and Mom too

I have to say that watching Dad age in the past year has had its ups and downs.  Dads are supposed to be there always, to be the strong ones, to take care of you no matter what.  So when Dad had his stroke, it took some adjusting to the role reversal.   Now I get to give him the care and love that he has always shown to me, and the really neat part of the whole shebang is that our relationship is definitely deepening as a result.

 Mom is having her own struggles with “aging Dad”.  She is about to put another candle on her cake too.  Although she is not personally slowing down much yet, Dad’s illness has certainly changed her life.  She needs to be taken care of also…but in a very different way. 

Dad has become the focus of everyone’s attention, yet it is Mom whose needs may be greater, if not emergent.  Mom needs more TLC than before Dad became ill, and she needs us to help her to give him care so that she can continue to spend time each day persuing the activities that bring joy to her heart…music, writing, and time with friends.

I speak with a lot of Baby Boomers who, like me, are travelling this transitional road from being the care-receivers to becoming the caregivers for their aging dads and aging moms.  It seems critical to me that we stay mindful of the “other” parent, if we are lucky enough still to have two to care about. 

* How are you doing at giving attention to the “other” parent?

* What opportunities can you see in becoming your parents’ caregiver?

* When was the last time you said “I love you” to an ailing, aging parent?

The end of time…

It happened at midnight on Friday.  I checked it out for myself, so I know for sure that it’s true.  Time came to an end.  Yup…no more time.  Until the moment the calendar flipped over to September 1st, you could call a local number and hear in dulcet, somewhat Southern tones, “At the beep, the time will be…11:59pm and 50 seconds.”  Ten seconds later, time stopped.

 September 1st was also the day Dad came home for the first time in six months.  Half a year’s worth of rides on the healthcare rollercoaster.  Can’t talk, can’t walk, falling down, nursing homes and hospital rooms.  Then, finally, rehab and HOME!

 How are your elderly parents doing today?

Hello world!

I’m totally new to blogging, but I think it’s time that this old dog learns another new trick.  Sooo…here goes:

When my dad had a massive stroke, and my mom started to freak out, it fell to their “children” to step up and pitch in.  I’m all for that, but living on the opposite coast makes hands-on helping a challenge.

 It turns out that I’m not alone in facing that challenge, so I’ve decided to offer my support, my growing info-base, and my coaching skills to helping other Boomers in a similar position.  Let me start by asking you some questions

When do YOU most want to have a support person at your side in taking care of your folks?

What would you most like to read about on the topic of Elder Care?

What are the nitty-gritty challenges that YOU are facing right now in providing care for your aging parents?

How could I, on this blog, or as a coach, address your most pressing needs?

 If you could wave a magic wand right now to make any change imaginable in your life, what would that change be?